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  ‘Shit, Saff… No, I can’t. Look… I can’t. You know I’ve taken tomorrow off to be with Faye,’ he was saying. ‘Yes, I know… I know, your work’s important… Of course… yes. Of course I want to be with Clover, you know I do, but I was supposed to be with… Yeah… yeah… okay. No problem, no problem at all. I’ll drop everything so you can just set off for Perth early… No, I told you I don’t want Clover in that atmosphere, everyone drinking and smoking dope. No, I’ll change my plans… okay,’ he said abruptly, clearly not happy.

  I gave it a minute, then wandered back into the room.

  ‘Sorry,’ he sighed, looking up, ‘that was a bit difficult.’

  ‘Difficult? Why?’ I asked, feigning surprise. I didn’t want him to think I was earwigging – which I so was.

  ‘She has to go a day earlier. She wants to see the sunset over Ayers Rock.’

  ‘Don’t we all!’ I sighed, feeling a little prickly that this woman was going to a) abandon her child a day early, and b) ruin my plans. I was bitterly disappointed, and for once my usual optimism failed me. Is this what life would be like if I was here with Dan? Would Saffron just take off every time she felt like it? If this was a taste of things to come, I doubted we’d even be able to make plans for dinner, let alone anything else. ‘Hey, it’s okay,’ I said. It wasn’t, but what else could I say? So much for this baby not having any impact on the rekindling of our relationship.

  ‘Thanks for being understanding. I’m disappointed, I really wanted to show you round and now you know about Clover, I feel like a weight’s been lifted. I was looking forward to having the day with you… was hoping we could be together. But I’ll have to go back, so someone’s with Clover. If I don’t, Saff says she’ll take her with her to Perth – I just don’t think…’

  ‘Honestly, it’s okay, I understand,’ I said. And I did. As one of the world’s most active helicopter mothers, I understood only too well how he felt.

  ‘I mean, this isn’t going to go on indefinitely,’ he added, picking up his jacket.

  ‘What isn’t? Fatherhood?’ I laughed.

  ‘No, I mean, as Clover gets older, things will change and she’ll become more independent and…’

  ‘Then she’ll start walking and you won’t be able to rest for fear she’ll fall or hurt herself in some way.’

  He shrugged, ‘I guess. Are you upset, about the sightseeing?’

  ‘I’m upset, but it’s not just about the sightseeing. I’m angry with myself because I let you go… but then there’s a part of me that wonders if this little girl might be good for you.’

  ‘I think she is. I just feel like I’m finally growing up – but it’s quite scary, I’m not gonna lie. But now you’re here and you know the score and…’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s going to take some getting used to and I don’t honestly know if there’s room in your life for me too.’

  ‘Oh, don’t say that…’ He looked suddenly crestfallen.

  ‘I mean, you’re juggling so many balls – the café, Clover, Saffron… and now me. I don’t want to be another pull on your life, someone else in the queue of people to placate.’

  ‘It’s just a matter of time… Things need to settle.’

  ‘Perhaps you were right and it is too soon for me to be here? You and Saffron need time to “uncouple” and I need time to get my head round this and decide what to do, not just for me, for everyone. I’m sure Clover is gorgeous, but even the loveliest baby in the world can come with a lot of pressure and stress and you don’t need me on top of all that.’

  ‘Faye, you’re just what I need…’

  That was nice to hear, but part of me wondered if he’d still think that in a few days’ time when the reality of having me around had sunk in. This time we’d be different – we were in a different country with different problems. I just hoped we were strong enough to overcome whatever life had left to throw at us.

  ‘Okay, we’re going round and round in circles. I’m jet-lagged and emotionally exhausted, I can’t talk anymore today or I’ll stop making sense. This is all so weird for me to think about.’

  ‘Yeah, I understand,’ he said. ‘This isn’t the best time to make any big life decisions for either of us, I’ll let you get some sleep.’

  He leaned towards me and for a moment it seemed like we might kiss. Everything around us was still and quiet and I held my breath, but at the very last moment it seemed we both thought better of it and we hugged instead.

  ‘I’ll call you,’ he said as he walked towards the door and opened it. Then, just before he disappeared, he popped his head back round the door: ‘Faye?’

  I looked up at him with a weak smile. I was genuinely tired and emotionally wrecked. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Don’t just go without telling me, will you?’

  ‘No… Whatever happens, you’ll be the first to know.’ I smiled and blew him a rather half-hearted kiss as he closed the door behind him.

  I lay back on the bed for some time just digesting everything that had happened today. It was a completely different scenario than the one I’d imagined here in this land of sunshine and koala bears. I’d hoped to be setting off for a late lunch now, cocktails, a walk round the Opera House, soaking up the light, the sunshine, the lovely Aussie voices. I wanted to stay awake and beat the jet lag, and a sightseeing trip with Dan would have certainly kept me awake – I’d been so excited about seeing Sydney with him.

  My eyes began to droop, my body screaming for sleep, as my mind whirred on and on, and when, after an hour I couldn’t relax into it, I knew I needed to talk to someone who was unbiased, wise and would give me good advice. So I called Emma. It was late where she was, but she answered straight away.

  ‘Mum… Mum, are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine, fine,’ I lied, trying to sound happy. Emma was my daughter, but also my sensible friend. So I told her everything.

  ‘Oh, Mum, it all sounds a bit messy,’ she said. ‘I know it’s stupid, but I never thought Dan would ever be with anyone else after you…’

  ‘I know, I was really stupid and thought the same. I came all this way and he’s sprung it on me – I’m not sure how I feel about it all.’

  ‘He probably didn’t tell you because he thought you wouldn’t turn up if you knew.’

  ‘Yeah, I can see that, but I thought I’d come here and be swept up into the middle of a new, exciting life. Instead I feel like I’ve been swept up into the middle of someone’s bloody break-up.’ I didn’t add that he’d tried to put me off, told me to wait, but I hadn’t listened. I didn’t want to get into detail, I wanted good advice… and a little sympathy from my daughter.

  ‘I feel sorry for him,’ she sighed. ‘He can’t help it if he loves you and wants to be with you, but got himself tied up in another relationship.’

  ‘Yeah, but I feel a bit guilty about them splitting up.’

  ‘Don’t. Look at it this way: To him Saff is like Dad was to you – your marriage was over, there was no hope and you were both unhappy. Dan’s only doing what you did when you left Dad, leaving the person he doesn’t love for the one he does.’

  ‘Thanks for saying that, sweetie, it means a lot.’ I smiled; I wanted to hug her, she saw things so clearly sometimes when I couldn’t. There were times when I’d wondered if Emma understood my reasons for leaving the family home, abandoning her dad and then running away with a younger man. Back then, I doubted she had any concept of my unhappiness, but it seems she did, and she never held it against me – my daughter understood more than I ever realised.

  ‘So keep on keeping on… Don’t give up now, Mum,’ she urged.

  ‘But what do I do? Just sit here while they sort everything out and wait around like a vulture?’ I asked.

  ‘You don’t have to do that. Instead of hanging around, waiting for them to sort things out, why don’t you take some time out? Give yourself space to think, and give Dan and Saffron the chance to get their shit together…’

  ‘Apart – their shit
will be apart,’ I half-joked.

  ‘Yes, Mum, it’s a phrase.’ I imagined her rolling her eyes at this. ‘Anyway, while they’re “consciously uncoupling”, to quote Gwyneth, why don’t you leave Sydney for a few days and go see a bit of Australia?’

  ‘I might… I might just do that,’ I said. I was loath to do too much, but there was nothing to stop me getting out of the city for a while.

  I put down the phone after we ended the call and felt calmed. Emma was right, this wasn’t going to be solved overnight, and it hadn’t been fair of me to turn up and expect Dan to have frozen in time. His life had moved on and I wasn’t excluded from it, the whole thing just had a different shape now.

  The jet lag soon kicked in and I turned off my phone, turned off the light and planned to nap a while. Perhaps when I woke things would be clearer?

  I really had no idea what to do next, I felt like my brain had been wiped. I didn’t want to be here without Dan, but I wasn’t sure what this new future held. What the hell was I going to do? And was it even up to me, or Dan? There were two other people’s lives to consider now.

  I lay in the too-big-for-one-person bed, lost in a sea of anonymous white hotel sheets, feeling like a computer that has no hard drive. Everything I believed to be true wasn’t.

  After tossing and turning for a while, both physically and emotionally, I wandered into the bathroom, poured myself more water and gazed into the mirror. I looked like shit – even after all my planning and preening, the tan, the make-up, the dress, all intended to create the impression of slightly-older-but-still-got-it girlfriend. Looking at my reflection now, I was more very-older-looked-like-she-never-had-it girlfriend, with swollen eyes from crying, hair frizzed up with heat, and my lovely blue dress inelegantly splashed with my own vomit. As I took off my clothes and left them in a heap on the floor, I padded back to bed and once more contemplated taking the next flight home. I was angry with Dan for not being honest with me, but I still loved him for all the other wonderful things he was.

  I thought about the way he used to tell me I was beautiful, that I could do anything, the way he gave me confidence and made me laugh, and eventually cried myself to sleep, dreaming of Opera Houses, waffles, babies and puke – which just about summed up my first day in Oz.

  19

  Bush Oysters Down Under

  I woke the following day, unaware I’d slept for fourteen hours until I glanced at the time on my phone. There were also about twenty texts and at least ten missed calls from Dan, which gave me a little sparkle but at the same time made my stomach dip when I remembered there were now four of us in this relationship. I had to take most of the blame for this: like Emma said, I was the one who dumped him and told him never to darken my doorstep again. I couldn’t turn back the clock, it was done, and now I was filled with this overwhelming sadness and loss, because what we’d had was changed forever.

  I turned the sound on my phone back on and just as I did, he called. I gave it a few seconds – I didn’t want him to think I’d been waiting for this – also, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say.

  ‘Faye…’ he started. ‘Where’ve you been?’

  ‘I was asleep, the jet lag finally got me,’ I said.

  That awkward silence filled the air again. There was so much to say, it was difficult to know where to begin.

  ‘I’m sorry…’ we both said at exactly the same time, then both giggled.

  ‘No, Dan, you’ve nothing to be sorry about. I told you to go and live your life and you did. And I lived mine for a little while and then when it suited me, I thought I could step back into yours.’

  ‘But it’s what I want, I just need to sort things out. Can you give me some time?’

  ‘Yes, I think it might be an idea if I left you to deal with things. I’m going to take a couple of days to explore – I fancy just heading out and seeing a bit of the area. I know you have commitments and I don’t want to put you under pressure,’ I said, knowing I also needed some time out to get my head round how I felt. ‘I overreacted yesterday,’ I added. ‘I was tired and emotional and just never expected…’

  ‘How could you expect something like this?’ he sighed. ‘If I’m honest, it took me a while to get used to the idea myself… Jeez, Faye, as upset as you were yesterday, it was a relief for me to tell you. I feel so much better now that you know.’

  ‘Oh, I’m glad you feel better,’ I joked. ‘I feel like I’ve been in a spin dryer and my head’s about to come off.’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘Yes, I do. It’s madness, isn’t it? When we met I was married and you were free as a bird, and here I am with my wings intact, rucksack on my back and I’m ready to fly. And there you are, changing nappies.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s a bit relentless, this baby thing,’ he laughed, ‘and she keeps wanting milk too, then she cries a lot and it’s back to the nappy again… What’s all that about?’

  I laughed. ‘Yep, it never lets up. No one tells you that being a parent means you spend the rest of your life looking like you need a shower, a night’s sleep, and a strong drink… all of which you do. But you don’t have the time, because your child always want something and their needs become the priority and that never changes.’

  I remembered Emma as a baby, the loneliness of being at home with her all day and the never-ending cycle of nappies and feeding and sleeping. Emma had gone back to work when Rosie was a few months old and I’d gone through it all again, but this time it had been different. I loved caring for Rosie because she was my granddaughter and I had the hang of it by then – but I didn’t envy Dan going through it for the first time. I’d been devastated about Emma and Rosie leaving for Scotland, but I’d been surprised at how much I enjoyed only having myself to look after. A few times after they’d gone, I’d suddenly looked at my watch and thought about picking Rosie up from nursery, then remembered I didn’t have to. And it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world. Having had responsibility for much of my life, it was refreshing to be on my own, just me and wherever I wanted to go. And I was going to continue in that vein while I was here.

  ‘I’m going sightseeing,’ I heard myself say. I had some ideas about things I wanted to do and I didn’t need Dan or anyone else to show me around. I’d become pretty independent since the end of my marriage and I had no intention of sitting in this hotel room waiting for when Dan was available. I didn’t want him to feel like I was being unfair and punishing him, he had other responsibilities now and I was simply respecting that. ‘I’ll call you in a couple of days,’ I said.

  ‘No, not in a couple of days. Keep calling me.’ He sounded a little hurt.

  ‘Okay, I’ll try. But Dan, I’m giving you some space. I know you have a lot to deal with and I want to do my thing too. So let’s stay in touch and talk later in the week?’

  He agreed, we said goodbye and I put down the phone, sad he wouldn’t be with me, but excited at the prospect of discovering Sydney on my own.

  I stood by the window of the hotel room looking out over concrete and glass, futuristic buildings soared against a backdrop beyond was sea and sky, like two worlds colliding. Dan had chosen well, what a shame we couldn’t have stayed here together as we’d planned. The silver lining was that, deep down, I’d always known he’d be a good dad. His mother’s early death and his brother’s illness had made him run away from pain and responsibility, yet the love and guilt he’d felt had pulled him home. Now, Clover’s presence was the grounding he needed; he would stay in Sydney and build a life with her. I had no idea about the role Saffron would play in Dan’s day-to-day living. It didn’t sound like love, but as he said, they shared a baby, and that was forever. It made me think about my own role in his future: was this something I wanted? Of course I loved Dan, but now he came with so much baggage, it wouldn’t be the life we’d planned. There would be no climbing into a VW van and spontaneously heading off up the coast. I knew what life was like with babies and their equipment. And even if he and Saf
fron managed to extricate themselves from each other’s daily lives and he and I had a chance, did I want to give away my hard-won freedom to look after another baby?

  Because that’s how it would be. To be with Dan would mean being a stepmum to Clover and she was only a few months old, which meant I’d be in my sixties before she was off our hands. I could see that it would be easy to grow fond of little Clover – she was just a tiny baby stuck in the middle of all this adult mess – but her mother was a different matter. I was finding it hard to like Saffron from what I’d heard so far; it seemed she didn’t want the responsibility of a child and was happy to hand her to Dan and run off with her bloody easel the minute things got tough.

  There was a lot to think about, and this time I wasn’t going to put myself second, or third down the line when I made my decision. I thought of Mandy, who told me to ‘go for it, bitch’, and I thought yes, this is going to be about what I want – and in Mandy’s voice, I heard myself say, this time it’s all about me, bitch.

  I started by getting dressed – faded jeans and a blue T-shirt that showed off my tan. I’d imagined myself wearing these as Dan and I explored the Opera House, but now I’d just do it alone, and I headed off into the blazing white sunshine.

  I found a small café, where I had the best eggs and bacon I’d had in a long time – soft, rich-yoked eggs, crisp, salty bacon and a gallon of coffee to see me through the morning. I felt okay, not brilliant, not Amazonian yet – but okay, I was getting there. I’d wasted half my life because of a man (thanks, Craig!) and I wasn’t going to waste this trip because of another. I would discover everything, hold cute Koalas, watch kangaroos, enjoy the galleries, the beaches and the food. And I’d do it all alone – again. But I counted my blessings: I was bloody lucky to be here in this beautiful place of blue skies and white sunshine. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself, I was going to make the most of doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.